20. Journal

November 22, 2014

This journey continues.

I feel pulled in two different directions, but one of them seems more compelling than the other.

From one side there is an endless ocean of need. It's as if there are a billion people with arms outstretched toward me, imploring me to do the selfless thing.

The other side is another endless ocean of a billion people proceeding the other way. But this multitude of people seem self-sustained and self-supported--not begging for help like the others.

I'm torn in between. Many of my friends and family are still in the ocean of the former, but I don't want to be there. I want to move forward and be self-sufficient. I don't want to be like the billion people groping for slivers.

Neither do I want that for my family.

I've pretty much made up my mind. I'm going to move ahead. I'm not going to be a hero today, and most likely not tomorrow, and maybe never.

19. Journal

To start this off, I can't believe I'm blogging.

Now that I'm here, I'm trying to think of something witty to say. Then it dawns on me that only family will be reading this anyway, so why bother. Ha!

So let's just cut to the chase.

My oldest son turned 10 years old today. From first glance I am a veteran dad and a husband of at least 11 years. The truth is much more complicated than that.

"The grass looks greener on the other side" is cliche but true. The elevator speech of my life is that I met my wife at a seminar, English is our first language, and we are happily married with 3 children. The full story, I'd be lucky if someone sat through it.

My personal life story is even more complicated.

Let's just stay simple, for your sake and mine.

I am a lucky man to be where I am, to have obtained my teenage dream--being married to a dark, wild and free woman, and making a family together--though certainly not in the way I had thought.

I'm chasing another dream now. I want to be a writer.

Happy Halloween!!

Happy 6th Anniversary

October 16, 2014
  Happy 6th Anniversary!
  It's our 6th anniversary from the day we first met in Karuizawa, Nagano prefecture, 6 years ago. There have been a few dates of note and worth on our calendar until now--the day we started dating, the day we moved in together, and the day we had our wedding ceremony--apart from the day we first met. Years have gone by, and it's unrealistic to celebrate all of the above occasions on top of birthdays, Christmases, New Years, and other special holidays. I've decided that we should just stick to one--October 16.
  October 16th was when we first met, was when we first kissed, and was when we first slept with each other. A year after that on October 16th, we celebrated our first anniversary by purchasing our engagement rings. And a year after that, on October 16th, I proposed.
  October 16th is a magical day. As far as I'm concerned, all the other dates can fade into oblivion. Officializing our courtship and having our wedding ceremony were practical events partly for personal commitments and declarations, but mainly for our friends, family, and the world to know and take note of.
  October 16th was a complete twist of fate, and every year that rolls by something or another in our lives and relationship is likely to change. New elements will be added, new factors will be considered, and by default some old things will be discarded. Like a spell that can go either way--good or bad--every year until now it seems that the dynamics of our relationship and marriage have changed every time this date rolled around.

  Happy Anniversary!! May the fire of our love burn brightly and constantly forever and ever.

18. Journal

September 26, 2014
  It's 7p.m on a Friday evening. This week around I tried a different approach to my routine. I didn't consume myself with tasks today. The results are both positive and negative. By not fixing the bicycles or taking the cars to have oil changes, or ticking off anything on my To-Do list other than washing and cleaning the cars, I might have put too much on Fay's plate.
  I need to have a clear mind to think about the future and plan the steps our family needs to make to get to a place of financial and social security. Or does that not really matter?
  Unlike in my previous life, I don't want to live from moment to moment, crossing bridges when I get to them, not projecting far enough forward to prevent whatever negative circumstances that I can. Another thing that has changed is that I'm not a perfectionist. I don't expect life to be peachy, or that I will always make the right choices. But I hold onto what a wise man once told me, "You gotta try to make good choices."
  I gotta try, even if I fail.

17. Journal

September 19, 2014

  It's 7p.m on my day off, and I'm finally relaxed. That's after a full day of ticking off To-Do lists--work and personal (sending my kids off to school, take my baby to the park, have a little work-out, fix the bicycle, call to negotiate an unfair payment request, sort through a week's worth of paperwork, organize a few years worth of insurance documents, contracts, and receipts, and finally, call the handyman to do a few fix-its in the house)--God, I don't want to have to call this a day off.
  I have a few moments of calm while my kids are at English school, and I'm drowning myself in a TV series called "Suits," suggested to me by someone of my nature. I can learn a thing or two about this, like shrewdness and occasional ruthlessness.
 

16. Journal

September 19, 2014

  My best friend and I went to a hot spring the other day, and apart from the trivial topics we chatted about, we talked about beliefs. It dawned on me in our conversation that I am the ever-changing man as usual.
  The last time I checked 5 or 6 years back, I was the devout Christian and he was the unsure one. Now, it's as if the tables have turned. He reads Christian books and listens to Christian pastors, while I read up on business and success stories and listen to Celtic music.
  Where did the tide change, I wonder? Did it change when I got too busy to think about the meaning of life; when I settled my thoughts on being the family man; when all of my energy and efforts went toward my family? I told him that I write journals while listening to Celtic music. He told me that it's kinda' trippy.
                                           
  The truth is, I do think that I'm a bit of a trippy character. Lol! I always have big plans and dreams. I'm always thinking and writing and expressing. I'm always wishing on a shooting star. If a ton of people are walking one way, I walk the other. In a crowd, I'm often the only one trying to get out. And I wear a hat even when it's not sunny. I seem to have a reflex that rejects doing things that everyone else is doing. I hate getting swept out to sea with the rip tide, or washing up to shore like drift wood. I want to ride on the waves, to choose the waves, and enjoy the waves, so to speak.

15. Journal

  

August 30

  I want to live this life like I will never be given another; I want to live each moment like it will never come again. I want to live like I did when I was a teenager--carefree and wild; at times insanely stupid and careless; dumb and unashamed. 

  I don't want to give a fuck about the rest of the world. I don't want to live as if the world is watching. From the moment I wake up I am not my self. I will lie to the world and tell them that I am a free man, because compared to them I am. But my reality tells me that I'm a long way from home. I know that I am not entirely free. 

The first thing I do when I wake
  The first thing I do when I crawl out of bed is reach for the coffee-maker. I fumble about the kitchen to gather my lunch for the day, while sipping a cup of black coffee, only to hear the sound of my crying baby and a tired wife. I rescue her from our baby's active let's-discover-the-world-in-one-day behavior as he nearly throws himself off the elevated bed fearless. 

  I shave my growing beard, chat with my other two sons who, if they had their way would be watching TV and playing games from the moment they awoke, then I throw on my work clothes for the day, and pack my bag. I'm lucky if I remember to take breakfast to eat on the go. 

  My drive to work is something else--a mad rush. Sometimes I can't believe I managed to agree to this location. The everyday drive there and back is a series of back-roads and short-cuts--a different road almost every time depending on the flow of traffic. Boy, I've become a machine driving these roads. People think I'm in a constant hurry seeing me on the road.

  Truth be told, I'm in the rat race--the very place I was taught to avoid whilst growing up. So again, while I know I am a lot better off than most people in my circumstances, I feel that I am limiting myself because of all the rules that I've allowed myself to believe I should keep.

My best friend and me
  It is definitely easier to smile and let the world think that all is well, then to concern them with the complexity of your own life. The only person I feel I can talk my heart out to lives across the globe. It would be a dream-come-true and an exhilarating psychological release if I could time travel 10 years back to when we had all the time in the world, just my best friend and me.
  

14. Journal

August 23, 2014

  It's difficult to relax, to feel peace, and to not think about care even in the mountainous location of Tateyama. I'm always surrounded by wonderful but crazy people. I never imagined the day would come, but all my friends are crazy.
  It's a constantly exciting life that I live, though. I don't think I could ever be content with anything less than what I feel is the best after experiencing such raw influence by some of the freest and happiest people in the world.

13. Journal

August 18, 2014
  Once a year, Fay goes away for about a week to cook for about 100 people at a summer kids camp. During that time I continue work and arrive home to an empty house--about the only time I get a taste of single life.
  Either way, time flies, and the week goes by and I hardly flinch. I have just enough time when I get home from work to cook myself a decent meal, prepare my lunch for the next day, clean myself, and relax a little before I hit the hay.
  Thankfully, this robotic routine doesn't last for very long. I realize how thankful I am for Fay when I see how mechanical I can be. Fay is a raw piece of nature, perfect as my life-partner.

12. Journal

August 15' 2014

  I feel like I'm getting older. I'm more decisive, more confident, and more steady than I've ever been. I know myself, I know other people, and I know life.

  I look in the mirror, and the thing that's different now than back a year or two ago, is that I see a grown man who knows his place, his ability, his talent, his mission, and his purpose in life and in living. I see a man who is becoming tired of making the same mistakes over and over; a man who no longer fights against the odds and who has settled into the circumstances of fate.

  Stability, is what the rest of the world calls it.

  But is this what I want? It's dawning on me that I'm getting everything I want, but as I get it the desire disappears. It's replaced with another desire, then another. In the back of my mind I still wonder if I shouldn't be doing something better with my time, if I shouldn't be settling with the valuable things in my life--my family, my job, my house.

  I guess, the troubling thing for me is feeling that I'm not just here to live a good life. I feel strongly that my life is not worth a 5 day a week job, some time with my family, with friends, and cruising from one day to the next. I need something more than that.

 

11. Journal

July 28, 2014

  It's a strange feeling sitting in a house that once used to have more matter than space now so empty my voice almost echoes. I don't know if I'll miss this part of my life. It feels as if this move is an extension of it, like I'm taking my life a step further.

August 17

  I'm sitting at my desk in my new house at the start of my work week, and I'm thinking deep thoughts again. It's a dangerous place for me to go, I know, but it's in that place that I can see the other side of the fence.

  I'm not looking for greener pastures. I've been so privileged and fortunate in life (some say lucky) and have managed to make good choices, that others are looking at my circumstances like they're greener pastures.

  I need some deep thinking to help me be well aware how blessed I am.

10. Journal

 
  We live in a world with endless opportunities and challenges, that sometimes deep thinkers like me, pause for too long to make sense of it all, that we miss it altogether.

  Reality is, I'm a person driving one of those cars among millions, a person in one of those buildings seen in the distance with little flickering lights. I'm a struggling soul among billions led by his instincts of survival seeking for the best life. It'd be naive of me to think that I am above the power of circumstances.

  Though I live the richest of lives, with family and friends, and a job that brings fulfillment and satisfaction, it's like a wise man once said, "happiness is a state of being." I know that the reason I am happy is because I choose to be happy, and because I am happy I am motivated and driven. I work hard because I am happy; not the other way around.

 

9. Journal

July 5'2014
  Every time I write a journal it helps to write as if no one will read it until decades later. I find that it's hard to be completely honest if someone is watching.

  Here, on this page, I can be honest. This is where I shut out the world and all its noise, and write as if I'm the only one alive. Suddenly, no one else matters, and nothing else matters more than this moment.

  As much of a naturally selfish human being I know that I am, here on this page is the only time that I think solely about myself and what I need. When I drown out the sound of cars, and wind, and whispering with Celtic music to write, I think about nothing else but me.

  I understand the popularity of deep meditation. Just being alive is a struggle. We emerge from our mother's wombs crying and in shock. Our bodies are heavy, and one place or another aches or hurts. But then we become used to it, and we face bigger struggles, only to become numb to that too. The cycle is ongoing until life's end.

  Deep meditation frees us from heaviness even if just for a moment. It gives us a taste of heaven, so to speak, and it's a substitute for drugs and other harmful relievers.

  Getting out of bed and being sociable is being selfless. Wearing decent clothes and going outside is selfless. Working for a living with a smile on your face is selfless. Choosing to raise a family to the best of your ability is selfless.

  Sometimes I just need a damn break. Like right now. I can't hear a sound in the world other than beautiful Celtic music. I can't feel anything other than the soft keys beneath my fingers giving way to put words into this eternal page.

  For a few moments, I am at total peace, and I feel like my mind can finally rest. I'm thinking about nothing else but myself. Just for a few moments.

  I'm so tired, beyond what I realize. I only now see how long I've been going without rest, always alert, always listening, always searching for the best opportunities, always thinking. There's been so much input and output, but so little rest. I'm exhausted.

 

3. Letter to You

Dear baby
  On a different note, I thought that I should share a few thoughts about my work and the personal conclusions and decisions I've made concerning it.
  Until now, from the day my potential career became a reality, I've contemplated (have even been quite troubled) as to how far I was willing to go for it. The most recent conclusion I made is that if I wanted to put career above family I should have chosen to remain single. My career may suffer for a lifetime at its worst, but my family could suffer for my wrong actions for generations. And everyone knows, apart from a few millionaires, that family is unquestionably more important than career.
  Seeing that I'm on the side of setting value and investing worth in family I've decided to rise to the challenge of meeting the giants of poverty face-to-face. The freakiest thought to any true man is being unable to care for his family. Being unable to do so cuts at the core of his manliness and self-confidence. Which is why I guess we have a tendency to swing the pendulum too far towards career rather than family. We make the excuse that career brings financial security, and that that is our number-one duty to our family.
  So, though it's a little bit of a scary risk for me to say no to some work demands because of family needs, I've concluded that I don't really have a choice. My family comes before work.

2. Letter to You

Dear baby
  I'm writing this back-to-back with the letter before. Kazuma's awake now and is rolling about in his walker, reveling in the thought of feeling like the big boys in the TV room watching the big-boy stuff on the big screen.
  He gets real excited with change of scenery. After being with you for a while, if I take him his face is aglow. Then when he's been with me for a while, if one of the kids is eager to play with him his face lights up again. It happened with the nursery rhymes this morning. When I put him in front of the TV with his older brothers he couldn't have been happier.
  I'm so happy we decided to have him. He's the most amazing gift anybody can even think to have. A moving, feeling, reacting, and expressing life-form that becomes bigger and smarter and even more active as time goes by. It's an incredibly huge responsibility to have and care for a baby, but equally as breath-taking and rewarding to watch him grow and develop into something that is so far beyond our intelligence to control.
  It's exciting to think about looking back years from now at his most difficult years, our boys who'll be teenagers looking back too, and seeing how things have changed. It's mind-boggling just thinking about years from now. Too many things are out of our control, but if we make the best decisions we possibly can we'll have the rights to say that we did the best we could.

1. Letter to You

Dear baby
  That's to you, Honeybuns, not to the baby that got me up at 6:20 this morning. I'm writing this as he sleeps soundly atop the chairs in the kitchen. Somehow I'm able to keep a few of my routines even after his coming--like writing an occasional journal or letter to you like this.
  It's been a while, though, since writing you on this blog. We've become much busier parents since Kazuma came. He's a whole job in himself now, and is proving to be quite the challenge. When he was more little and less experimental, you were able to continue to do most of the things around the house. But now I realize that he often needs constant attention. And his eyes are so big and coordinated, that he expresses what he wants and doesn't want in a really irresistible sort of way. He necessitates personal care.
  I see how he's gradually become a full-time care-for-me machine. And he exhausts you as you carry him in one arm while cooking, cleaning, and doing the laundry; not to mention the shorter naps and shorter attention span.
  I'm sorry that I didn't completely understand all this until this weekend. Well, you've been sick, and I took him for much of the day yesterday; had taken him outside with the boys too. By doing so I realized a few things. A part of me didn't know what to expect and just reacted on impulse. Again, I'm sorry, and I'm thankful that you've taken the enormous changes with his coming so well.
  You're like a rock that doesn't move. It gets rattled and shaken easily, but over the 5 and a half years of knowing you your personality has proven to be an immovable rock.
 

8. Journal

  I almost shed a tear last night while correcting a squabble my two boys got into. I am constantly amazed at how well they take to my lectures, and how much they listen and understand. Most of the times I can't even be sure if they are lectures, because they are more like conversations, where there will be a sensible exchange of words and opinions.
  I am #$%&'ing beyond words blessed with very smart kids. None of them are dimwits who are void of commonsense. As a father who wants nothing less than the best for his kids, when I see progress and developing passion in any skill it makes me know that it's worth it all.
  On one hand, I melt and no longer want to say a single hard word when I see personal initiative in my kids to exceed in a particular skill, be it reading, shuji, or soccer. On the other hand, it makes me feel all the more that I need to be the strong father that encourages them and gives them the needed shove when they are weak.
  Parenthood is tough and a constant sacrifice, and I would push it on no one. It's often thankless, can feel unending, and comes with a constant flow of new problems. If you aren't earnest in knocking them off as they pop up you'll find yourself with a mountain of problems too big to handle. Apart from that there is the responsibility of it all that falls on your shoulders that can feel at times overwhelming.
  Having said that, if you can manage to be a consistent parent through it all, the rewards are incomparable, I mean unbelievable, and immensely satisfying.

Happy Valentines!

This little munchkin has been the cause of much joy and hardship combined, at times more hardship than the former--but we love him too much to complain. 

Happy Valentines to the one I love--have loved, still love, and will always love. Due to your hard work and strength of personality, we have done wonderfully well. Thank you for being strong in difficulty and for not throwing in the towel even when tempted. 3 kids is a handful to take care of as nationals of this restricting country, but we have done it this far, and I'm confident we'll do great from here too. 

Vacation in Tateyama

The thing that makes a vacation special is its rarity. A perpetual vacation loses its special meaning because it is ceaseless.

I cannot be prouder of my boys, Kazuma included, when I see how brave they are and how well they cope with difficulties and challenges. Not that our lives are more difficult than average. They're not. But I have to be honest and say that Kenji and Deryk have had a few unique challenges that most kids do not and have taken them well. 

I am proud to be their father, to have the great responsibility of caring and rearing three handsome and intelligent boys. 

7. Journal

January 31

  I have the day off today, and I wanted to wake up just a little earlier than normal to walk down good old memory lane. Well, essentially I felt I needed some time to think, to breathe, and to organize mumble-jumbled thoughts. Hell, my To-Do List was a stack of folded A4-size papers, disorganized and exhausting to look at.
  First things first, though, at 6:40a.m I broke up an argument between my two strong-willed sons, sorted out whatever they were fussing about, and sent them happily off to school. After which I brewed a strong cup of coffee and sipped it while doing the routine checking the weather and news and of course the latest Conspiracy Theory.
  Then at around 8 I take the chill-pill and turn on some Celtic music to put me in the journal mood. I attempt to write a journal to settle frazzled nerves, but am interrupted by my early-bird 4-month baby. I bounce him around with our usual baby songs while eating a delicious breakfast my wife made--the highlight of the morning.
  After tiredness sets in, I'm finally able to put baby to sleep. I take the chance to organize my To-Do List, mark the schedule with timely events, and delete space-consuming junk off my computer. I download audio files to listen to during my 3 hour commute to and from work, I glance at a few new rental house possibilities, and confirm my busy work schedule of my spanking new full-time job beginning from the 1st of February.
  My brain is finally free from overload, but that was a freakin' crash-course process. Life has been a series of days like today, except that on most days I am not successful like today. Now, at 12:00 I feel alright and ready to make use of the weekend. On unsuccessful days I virtually force myself to smile, my brain is blank, and I feel like pulling my hair out. All the while, I've trained myself not to show it.
  Good day to you and to the rest of the world. I'm ready to enjoy the weekend this time.

6. Journal

January 18, 2014

  Now I'm standing at the threshold of a career opportunity, hesitating. "What?! Why the sudden hesitation?" you ask. "Wasn't it just a month ago that you took the risky jump of quitting your job without a single job lead, and now you're questioning?"

  That's just the kinda' guy I am. That's how I do things. Even if I hit the jackpot of a million bucks my first reaction would be a matter-of-fact question, "how much would be tax-deducted?" Basically, "what's the catch?" Nothing in my life has come easy, so when I get lucky I immediately wonder what strings are attached. A negative but realistic attitude.

  This career opportunity, if I jump in with both feet, has the potential to set my family and me on a very good road to financial stability. But right off the bat I have cold feet. I know that there has got to be some kind of catch. It can't be that easy. Some people are lucky, but it's not me. So right now I'm at a very exciting but apprehensive time. I really don't know which way the tide will turn, or which side the coin will fall. 

  So I'd rather just not think about it and take it a step at a time. Thinking too far into the future only causes unnecessary stress. I think I'll just put it into the hands of fate--the entity that has brought me this far. Whether it's God, the universal power, or chance--all three of those are more powerful than the highly limited human as myself. 

  Let it be written; let it be done.

Happy 2014

This is the 1st New Year with Kazuma, with many more to come. Happy New Year! I hope that I can be the best father in the world to you. And if I can't, that I at least tried.