9. Journal

July 5'2014
  Every time I write a journal it helps to write as if no one will read it until decades later. I find that it's hard to be completely honest if someone is watching.

  Here, on this page, I can be honest. This is where I shut out the world and all its noise, and write as if I'm the only one alive. Suddenly, no one else matters, and nothing else matters more than this moment.

  As much of a naturally selfish human being I know that I am, here on this page is the only time that I think solely about myself and what I need. When I drown out the sound of cars, and wind, and whispering with Celtic music to write, I think about nothing else but me.

  I understand the popularity of deep meditation. Just being alive is a struggle. We emerge from our mother's wombs crying and in shock. Our bodies are heavy, and one place or another aches or hurts. But then we become used to it, and we face bigger struggles, only to become numb to that too. The cycle is ongoing until life's end.

  Deep meditation frees us from heaviness even if just for a moment. It gives us a taste of heaven, so to speak, and it's a substitute for drugs and other harmful relievers.

  Getting out of bed and being sociable is being selfless. Wearing decent clothes and going outside is selfless. Working for a living with a smile on your face is selfless. Choosing to raise a family to the best of your ability is selfless.

  Sometimes I just need a damn break. Like right now. I can't hear a sound in the world other than beautiful Celtic music. I can't feel anything other than the soft keys beneath my fingers giving way to put words into this eternal page.

  For a few moments, I am at total peace, and I feel like my mind can finally rest. I'm thinking about nothing else but myself. Just for a few moments.

  I'm so tired, beyond what I realize. I only now see how long I've been going without rest, always alert, always listening, always searching for the best opportunities, always thinking. There's been so much input and output, but so little rest. I'm exhausted.