15. Journal

  

August 30

  I want to live this life like I will never be given another; I want to live each moment like it will never come again. I want to live like I did when I was a teenager--carefree and wild; at times insanely stupid and careless; dumb and unashamed. 

  I don't want to give a fuck about the rest of the world. I don't want to live as if the world is watching. From the moment I wake up I am not my self. I will lie to the world and tell them that I am a free man, because compared to them I am. But my reality tells me that I'm a long way from home. I know that I am not entirely free. 

The first thing I do when I wake
  The first thing I do when I crawl out of bed is reach for the coffee-maker. I fumble about the kitchen to gather my lunch for the day, while sipping a cup of black coffee, only to hear the sound of my crying baby and a tired wife. I rescue her from our baby's active let's-discover-the-world-in-one-day behavior as he nearly throws himself off the elevated bed fearless. 

  I shave my growing beard, chat with my other two sons who, if they had their way would be watching TV and playing games from the moment they awoke, then I throw on my work clothes for the day, and pack my bag. I'm lucky if I remember to take breakfast to eat on the go. 

  My drive to work is something else--a mad rush. Sometimes I can't believe I managed to agree to this location. The everyday drive there and back is a series of back-roads and short-cuts--a different road almost every time depending on the flow of traffic. Boy, I've become a machine driving these roads. People think I'm in a constant hurry seeing me on the road.

  Truth be told, I'm in the rat race--the very place I was taught to avoid whilst growing up. So again, while I know I am a lot better off than most people in my circumstances, I feel that I am limiting myself because of all the rules that I've allowed myself to believe I should keep.

My best friend and me
  It is definitely easier to smile and let the world think that all is well, then to concern them with the complexity of your own life. The only person I feel I can talk my heart out to lives across the globe. It would be a dream-come-true and an exhilarating psychological release if I could time travel 10 years back to when we had all the time in the world, just my best friend and me.