31. Journal

  7 years have gone by since we first met. The little one that requires our attention 24/7, who drools on the keyboard as I type, who literally is strangling me and pulling on my glasses as I do this, is the glue that has brought us together as a family.

  The first year or two, before the little one came, and while the two older boys were yet small, they adored and enjoyed playing with each other. But now they're at each other's throats all the time, complaining about unfairness, and wishing that they could be separated. So ironic.

 

30. Journal

  The journey's been good. I've been keeping it simple. Trying my darnedest to stay away from tormenting thoughts. I've been successful. How? I've been keeping myself busy. Work. Family. TV series. The truth is too hard to face.
  What's the truth, you ask me? The truth is that my heart has been burned, and I haven't found it in me to fully love since. I've been deceived, and will not be able to easily trust again. It's exactly what she said, I'm experiencing trauma.
  She's been through a hellava' lot more than I have. Her parents divorced when she was 5, and she was sent to live with her grandparents until 10. The love of her life died in a car accident when she was 16. She felt obligated into marriage after becoming impregnated, and if that wasn't enough, her husband was a beater. She sought for divorce multiple times, and finally got one, But after 4 years she remarried the same guy out of loneliness and guilt, and is now filing for divorce again.
  When she first introduced herself, as far as it concerned me, she was a happily married woman, who came to learn English hoping to make regular visits to her daughter who lived in San Diego. She had a successful business in Tokyo, a beautiful house with her husband in Chiba, and a gorgeous flat in Ginza. It wasn't long before I learned about her troubled life.
  The facades of people can be so deceiving. The same goes for me.
  I can't keep lying, neither to myself or to others, especially not to my wife. Not short of a year ago, I told my wife that we need new friends. I meant it. I've tossed around a lot of ideas, but the one that's stuck with me is the one that my wife and I need to build a life. Any gypsy or druggie can live life on the edge experiencing raw freedom, especially while they're single. But as with any civilization, it needs to be built.
  I've concluded that I will not let anything or anyone stand in the way of us building our lives. In order for this to happen, we need stability and the smarts. I understand that you need to maintain your sanity. Your family and friends mean the world to you, and I want it to stay that way. I want you to be happy more than anything. But I also know at the same time that I need to do what's best overall.
  You live in the moment, and things in the moment affect you more than the past or future. I'm the opposite. If my mind isn't in the past, it's in the future, planning--always planning.
  You say that I don't have many friends. If I wanted to make friends, I could make friends, lots of them. I proved it to myself when I made Chris my best friend, when the truth is, he isn't. I made him my best friend by acting like he was. I can do the same thing to a dozen people. Most people are so fickle though. They're your friends because of circumstances and the things you do for them. I'm just not that kind of guy.
  The truth is, I'm a tormented soul--tormented by my past.

At the beach

29. Journal

  Albert Einstein said, "If I had an hour to solve a problem I'd spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions."

  Thinking is not a curse if guided and cared for. I tell my son when he over-thinks and is in a puddle of tears, that the difference between him and me is that he only thinks about the negative, but I make a conscious effort to think more positive.

  It helps.

28. Journal

March 28, 2015

  I feel that the above is true for the many activities the active human will do to experience thrill and a sense of being alive. I struggle between the incessant desire to feel alive and just being numb to the little irritating details that life can have. It's hard to know when to do which sometimes.

  Whether it's travel, a new relationship or friendship, a change in job or career, the active person needs constant change and improvement to feel the joy of being alive. I am not just an active individual. I need to be active doing something I have a heart for. 

  I have a passion for words and writing indeed, but it runs much deeper than that. Knowing that the average man won't give a hoot for the deep things of life, the description of my passion stops short. The truth is, I have a fascination for the mysteries of life. I hate to be weird about it all, and I will definitely avoid big-eyed psychos and melodramatic scientists with overpowering theories and explanations that leave no space for interpretation. But I am a curious man, and many deep things in life don't make logical sense. Discovering the reasons for those mysteries and being able to explain them in words is my mission.

  God or no God, I have my own religion, and I don't see logical sense in life and the world if there was no God. And if indeed there is a God, I don't buy into the scenario that his hands can be tied by our choices. If they are tied, He chose to tie them, because who else? So despite all the terrible things human beings decide to do, He fuckin' knows about it and has a much bigger plan in mind. 

  

27. Journal

March 13, 2015

  My soul is consumed with overwhelming stress the moment it acknowledges the brutal realities of the world. Reality says that every second there are hundreds of options to choose from; every conscious minute there are dozens of choices better than the one I just chose; and every hour that passes without full awareness is an hour wasted.

  There are a million "shoulds," but a surprisingly minute number of them are realistically possible. I should study Japanese, I should study for a Bachelors (and then perhaps a Masters), I should more earnestly build my career, I should invest in gold, I should make assets and compound, I should save up for my old age, and nine-hundred-ninety-nine thousand more shoulds.

  Instead of compiling my list of shoulds, I will acknowledge that only some of them are what are absolutely essential for me to do.

  Mark Manson says, "Who you are is defined by the values you are willing to struggle for. Our struggles determine our successes. So choose your struggles wisely, my friend." I'm going to ask myself the important question, "What one value am I willing to struggle for?"

  A happy family.

26. Journal

January 28

  This journey will never be perfect, will never give me endless relaxation, will never be that perpetual vacation spoken of by optimists, and will never grant me the one deepest wish--at least, not in the way that I want.

  What is my one deepest wish. If one day I awoke to a new world--if everything was new and fresh and unknown--and the only two things I had were the mind I had before and a million dollars, what would I do and where would I go?

  The truth is, I would probably spend one day on a solitaire beach pondering, the next day setting out to travel the world to visit the sights and sounds I always wanted to, but after that I would miss the life I had before and would try to go back but wouldn't be able to.

  That, my friend, would be the saddest turning point of my life. Starting from scratch means starting afresh and anew, and will rid me of the un-pleasantries, but also of the things that mattered most.

  Having said that, my one deepest wish is to keep what I have and to have time to enjoy it.

25. Journal

January 16, 2015

  That's me now--married, three kids, a career--sailing on calm seas. I have too much to lose to be young and stupid. I absolutely need a plan, or else I am guaranteed to see bad repercussions. For which reason, every day is not woken up to with an invigorated sense of ambition. Rather, I have fear of losing that which I have.

  Gone are the days of carefree madness, when every day was lived without fear of losing, because I had nothing of worth to lose.

24. Journal

January 10

It's a funny feeling attaining to everything I've dreamed and wanted, and seeing my wildest imagination within arms' reach. I've aimed high and have reached it; aimed yet higher and succeeded to reach it again. I find that I'm going from goal to goal; I'm not sure how much more I want to aim for. 

Life is hard both when it's easy and when it's hard. Low hurdles mean less challenge and more monotony. Higher hurdles mean more challenge but invigorating.

23. Journal

January 4, 2015

  Wow! That was an awesome vacation. Setting mixed feelings and complex emotions aside, I feel great on this Sunday afternoon. It's 2 o' clock on the busiest day of the week if all was normal. And today, as I sit at the perfectly square table on the 1st floor of my house, I'm enjoying the heat of the sun shining through the south window of my home.

  "We are all victims of our minds; some of us more than others"--my original.

  Some people can find peace in confusion--I can't. As a type A, I find peace in order and control. If there's lack of organization, I can neither find peace nor relaxation.

  I'm starting work again tomorrow.

22. Journal

January 3, 2015

  In continuation of the journal before this one, I have contemplated suggesting to my family the idea of moving away, far away--away from the city and from everything we know--for two reasons.

  1. To start anew.

  2. To live a simple life.

  The reason I haven't suggested it is because I don't think my wife would ever be happy. And I can't say that I would be either.

  My conclusion in this journal is that if I am climbing a mountain, I have to hold on and continue the climb no matter how hard it gets. Scaling back down and climbing a different mountain is premature if I haven't yet reached the peak of the one I'm on. I gotta see where this one'll take me.

  It's tough. I'm unsure. I would rather that things be more clear-cut. It's difficult when I have to stick to my guns, when I can't be free to be random and spontaneous. I feel like I always need a plan and a back-up plan. It's how I got to where I am. And I know that it's because of my consistent planning that I've gotten as far as I have today.

  I'm convinced that if I had been freer and more spontaneous that I'd be much further behind. I can see one of several scenarios--still with my parents, still with the TFI group, still dependent on share-housing.

  Thankfully, I'm independent of all those things.

21. Happy New Year

January 3, 2015

  As I stand at the beginning of this new year, I face what I'm tempted to conceive as an insurmountable mountain of challenges. The best way I can describe how I feel is mixed emotions. I feel this way when I'm about to start something that has equal possibility of succeeding or failing.

  I feel uncertain, responsible, and incompetent--all fearful emotions, I figure. I think a lot--for which reason I'm afraid a lot. Often all I can think about are "what ifs," and I need to stop.

  Every day I put a huge weight on my shoulders, one directly stemming from my bigoted sense of responsibility. I have 3 kids and wife who consistently acts stronger than she appears, and who constantly gives of herself to her own hurt. It's my highly inflated sense of responsibility that stresses me out.

  I'm not aware of how much bondage I put myself in on a daily basis. I seek for freedom in everything. I look for that thing that will take me out of my proverbial chains. The ironic thing is that, like I said, I'm not aware of my own bondage. The kid inside me is suffocating and fires up ideas of possible relief--a cruise through the panama canal, a trip to Switzerland, or successful entrepreneurship--but are fired down by my realist personality that says that I am one in a billion.

  My conclusion in this journal comes down to my beliefs. In all my research into successful and unsuccessful people, heroes and villains, I conclude that there is a formula to overall success, but not necessarily to successes which are specific.

  The frustrating thing about overall success is that it isn't that difficult to attain, but very difficult to keep. It seems also that overall success is often destroyed by the pursuit of more specific successes.

  Correct me if I'm wrong, overall success can be defined as continual positive progress in family, friendships, relationships, happiness, and finances. Having the idea, for example, that making $100 million dollars is success, but would in most cases hurt relationships, family, and happiness in the pursuit of it.

  My point is, we all have our own ideas of what success is, but ultimately, if we're happy we don't think about what success means. Ignorance is bliss. The less we know the less we compare. Knowledge doesn't need to take away our simple happiness.