21. Happy New Year

January 3, 2015

  As I stand at the beginning of this new year, I face what I'm tempted to conceive as an insurmountable mountain of challenges. The best way I can describe how I feel is mixed emotions. I feel this way when I'm about to start something that has equal possibility of succeeding or failing.

  I feel uncertain, responsible, and incompetent--all fearful emotions, I figure. I think a lot--for which reason I'm afraid a lot. Often all I can think about are "what ifs," and I need to stop.

  Every day I put a huge weight on my shoulders, one directly stemming from my bigoted sense of responsibility. I have 3 kids and wife who consistently acts stronger than she appears, and who constantly gives of herself to her own hurt. It's my highly inflated sense of responsibility that stresses me out.

  I'm not aware of how much bondage I put myself in on a daily basis. I seek for freedom in everything. I look for that thing that will take me out of my proverbial chains. The ironic thing is that, like I said, I'm not aware of my own bondage. The kid inside me is suffocating and fires up ideas of possible relief--a cruise through the panama canal, a trip to Switzerland, or successful entrepreneurship--but are fired down by my realist personality that says that I am one in a billion.

  My conclusion in this journal comes down to my beliefs. In all my research into successful and unsuccessful people, heroes and villains, I conclude that there is a formula to overall success, but not necessarily to successes which are specific.

  The frustrating thing about overall success is that it isn't that difficult to attain, but very difficult to keep. It seems also that overall success is often destroyed by the pursuit of more specific successes.

  Correct me if I'm wrong, overall success can be defined as continual positive progress in family, friendships, relationships, happiness, and finances. Having the idea, for example, that making $100 million dollars is success, but would in most cases hurt relationships, family, and happiness in the pursuit of it.

  My point is, we all have our own ideas of what success is, but ultimately, if we're happy we don't think about what success means. Ignorance is bliss. The less we know the less we compare. Knowledge doesn't need to take away our simple happiness.