The journey's been good. I've been keeping it simple. Trying my darnedest to stay away from tormenting thoughts. I've been successful. How? I've been keeping myself busy. Work. Family. TV series. The truth is too hard to face.
What's the truth, you ask me? The truth is that my heart has been burned, and I haven't found it in me to fully love since. I've been deceived, and will not be able to easily trust again. It's exactly what she said, I'm experiencing trauma.
She's been through a hellava' lot more than I have. Her parents divorced when she was 5, and she was sent to live with her grandparents until 10. The love of her life died in a car accident when she was 16. She felt obligated into marriage after becoming impregnated, and if that wasn't enough, her husband was a beater. She sought for divorce multiple times, and finally got one, But after 4 years she remarried the same guy out of loneliness and guilt, and is now filing for divorce again.
When she first introduced herself, as far as it concerned me, she was a happily married woman, who came to learn English hoping to make regular visits to her daughter who lived in San Diego. She had a successful business in Tokyo, a beautiful house with her husband in Chiba, and a gorgeous flat in Ginza. It wasn't long before I learned about her troubled life.
The facades of people can be so deceiving. The same goes for me.
I can't keep lying, neither to myself or to others, especially not to my wife. Not short of a year ago, I told my wife that we need new friends. I meant it. I've tossed around a lot of ideas, but the one that's stuck with me is the one that my wife and I need to build a life. Any gypsy or druggie can live life on the edge experiencing raw freedom, especially while they're single. But as with any civilization, it needs to be built.
I've concluded that I will not let anything or anyone stand in the way of us building our lives. In order for this to happen, we need stability and the smarts. I understand that you need to maintain your sanity. Your family and friends mean the world to you, and I want it to stay that way. I want you to be happy more than anything. But I also know at the same time that I need to do what's best overall.
You live in the moment, and things in the moment affect you more than the past or future. I'm the opposite. If my mind isn't in the past, it's in the future, planning--always planning.
You say that I don't have many friends. If I wanted to make friends, I could make friends, lots of them. I proved it to myself when I made Chris my best friend, when the truth is, he isn't. I made him my best friend by acting like he was. I can do the same thing to a dozen people. Most people are so fickle though. They're your friends because of circumstances and the things you do for them. I'm just not that kind of guy.
The truth is, I'm a tormented soul--tormented by my past.
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