New Year Resolution -- For 2014

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.” – Edith Lovejoy Pierce

My resolution for the New Year is to ignore the complexity of my circumstantial maze and walk right over it. And for details, see my 5th journal.

5.Journal

For a rare occasion, this morning I awoke void of contemplative thoughts, which translates into a head-start to my day. The usual day consists of dealing with my troubled mind at the start of it, followed by an 8+ hour work day, a job that I've been doing for the past 3 years and am possibly the best at in my company of 100+ people. 

As a New Year resolution, I've determined that ONE: I need a new and bigger challenge. Taking the risky dive, I turned in my 30 day notice, and have notified my company of my withdrawal. I haven't yet found my next promise of employment, and I am apprehensive of the future being fully aware of my responsibility as a father of 3, but with a dozen realistic plans of action I am confident that we'll do fine. 

More important than that is TWO: my determined desire to give my kids the best Christmas and New Years yet, that I wouldn't be able to if I continued at my present company. THREE: Next after that is my pursuit of a higher standard of living, that I want to give my very best shot at attaining this New Year. I'm a father of 3, but I'm one at my prime with possibly the most drive, ambition, and determination than I've ever had before. I feel strongly that this is the right time to give my dreams a chance. Maybe the only right time.

What's my dream? 

A bigger and nicer house for my wife and children. A job that brings in more than what we spend. Working hours that gives me time to spend with my family. Work that doesn't stress me out and occupy my thoughts to a point that I'm mentality incapable of the big responsibility of husband and father. Time every week after fulfilling my marital and child-rearing initiatives to spend with friends, which is integral for personal happiness and self-esteem. 

Indeed, that sounds like the perfect life, but is it really? I'm not asking to be able to live on the most exotic island with all the best and most popular people in the world, in a self-designed resort of the fanciest kind, cars, hotels, businesses, and servants at my command. I'm not even asking for a money machine that literally pumps money into my bank while I'm on a perpetual (if not) life-long vacation. I'm not asking to be problem-free, the most handsome of people in the entire world with the hottest sexiest wife. 

And god, I could go on. But, what I outlined for my dream is a realistic balanced life that would bring happiness and health that we all deserve if we're diligent and hardworking. 

I'm willing to work for it, but not forever and undetermined. I don't wish on shooting stars, but hope on the here and now. I will struggle till my dying day to fulfill my purpose in life.

Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year! I wish you the best.

Before and After

Before 

After

Thoughts on Family and Work

  It's 6:30a.m and I just finished reading an article titled "the economic reason to have only one child." She (the editor) and her daughter went out to grab a pizza, and while they were eating their slices they became transfixed by a TV segment on a massive number of homeless families that had settled in a makeshift community in the California desert. One father told the reporter that until six months ago he wore a tie every day to work, but then he lost everything and was forced to move there with his three kids. The daughter (of the editor) then turned to her and asked, "Mama, that won't be us because there's only one of us instead of three."
  Another article titled "Congratulations America, only the rich can afford to have kids!" goes on to say that the expenses for having children are growing. And while for most families it takes both of the parents working to support them, what happens when one's health fails or when obligations force one away from being able to work?

  The gist of it all for me is, like I was saying to a few friends the other day, the decision to have children was the decision to not be rich. This doesn't mean that I will not have money to spend or that I will need to live in a make-shift community out in the boonies. But I've accepted that it's unrealistic to have two HUGE focuses such as 1. becoming a millionaire, and 2. raising good kids. I will choose raising good kids every time to the neglect of high monetary investments if it meant a choice between one or the other.
  It's a completely different story for people who first became rich then decided to have kids. If, after making their fortune, they succeed to turn their focus to their kids, then perhaps they would succeed to have both.
  As for me personally, I have three kids. The decision to have them was a decision that I wanted them. It would be pointless if I were to use up all my waking hours supporting them, unable to watch them grow, too busy to enjoy every change in their development. While it's clear to me that in this falling economy it's becoming increasingly more difficult to be the sole breadwinner, I'm doing my best to do so without neglecting my kids.

On Vacation

This is us in a tent on vacation by the river on an early Friday morning. Fay was 8 months pregnant here. 

August 5--Happy Anniversary

  Today marks the day of exactly a year that has gone by since getting officially married. Happy Anniversary baby!
  Someone asked me the other day how married life is? I think there comes a time when one has had enough of being alone or of being in and out of relationships. It's true that marriage can be just as exhausting, if not more. Then what remains to be asked is if you had considered all factors before choosing the one you married.
  Never-the-less, life is not perfect. I feel it's often in both sides being fully aware of this fact that brings acceptance and harmony between them.
  As for me personally, I can't deny that I have to make daily hard decisions and sacrifices as a husband and father. But loving and being loved and raising a family is the best decision I have made, and one that I have never since regretted.

4.Journal

 

June 25: Things are changing. I'm changing. You're changing. Our friends are changing. My focus is changing. Our goals are changing. 

  My focus used to be on people. I used to think a lot more about the people in my life. Now, I can only think about my own family--my wife and kids. And now, more than ever, I'm thinking about money and how I can get more of it. Reality is, the number 1 priority in my life is my family--Thinking about how I'm going to support it for the rest of my life makes me hands-full. 

  Actually putting this reality into words brings a whole new realization. If I can think about my friends once a week I'm doing pretty good. 

  This hits me like a ton of bricks, though, 'cause that's not how I want to live my life. I want to have more to my life than that. Pretty soon I'll be the average husband and father who lives to work and support his offspring, who can more often than not only be reflected through his children--he himself too occupied with work to do much else. 

  I guess I just want to try to think about my friends more. Just something I've been thinking about lately...

  

3.Journal

"An excess of ambition can be just as dangerous as too little ambition. And balance is always achieved in nature."

June 19, 2013: Recently, for me, the future has never been more unknown and uncertain. It's never seemed more out of my control than it is now. But also, never before have I felt this happy and free. Even as a single in the past, I committed my life to a religious cause. And then I must have gone crazy with the contradictions and restrictions that I turned into quote and quote "a bad boy." But even then, my world was small, and my thinking was narrow. The world is a MUCH bigger place now. 

So this morning I've decided (again) to cast regret aside, and look at my life in the proper perspective. Despite the thousand temptations of a better, more glorious life--a life seen in the movies and on TV. I need to take life where it's at. And if I want to improve it, I need to do it slowly, beginning with a good attitude and perspective.

I realize that I can't be overly ambitious. It can really kill. I mean, sometimes it's excruciating to think of what I could have done with my time had I not devoted myself to a strict religion--the education I'd go for, the job opportunities I'd take, and the money I'd save up. But like I said above, it really is destructive--over ambition with regret. I need to take life where it's at. That's the bottom line.

2.Journal

June 15 (Saturday) : The alarm that has faithfully woken me up day after day at 6:15 was intentionally not set this morning so that I could sleep in. An attempt fail when I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep, to look at the time that showed 6:15. 

Life has become a routine that causes weeks to fly by faster than they ever have in my life. One weekend to the next can often feel like one day to the next. To break this robotic vicious cycle, I've decided to spend more periodic moments of reflection to appreciate the moment and the joys of living. 

Until now, and now continues, I always have an agenda. Not a single day goes by that I don't have a plan. It's as if there's a natural inclination in me to fill every space of my schedule and not leave a single rock un-turned. It's become second nature to be busy. I don't want to lie down for even a few minutes for fear that I'll fall asleep and waste precious time. Laying in contemplation like the photo above has become a rare occasion. 

1.Journal

"Improved mental clarity, the ability to see our lives in the big picture, as well as serving as a piece of evidence cataloging every success we’ve ever had; we are provided all of the above and more by doing some journal writing." Say's Ericson Ay Mires (freelance blogger)

  The above is very true for me. Keeping a journal helps me to organize my thoughts and stay in touch with every day happenings, that otherwise can often just be forgotten. I agree that life is too short and precious to not be taken account of. Someone needs to claim the responsibility of documenting the occurrences of your life. If no one else, then you've got to do it. Not only the recording of events and activities, but also of some of the main thoughts and emotions involved in the decision-making.

  Which is another advantage of marriage. Both of you don't need to keep a journal if one of you do. In my marriage, I'm the one who assumed responsibility for cataloging life events. In which case, the life of four people (soon to be five) are documented and remembered. 

  It's painful to realize that billions of lives are happening around us, but only a few are remembered, myself included. Of course, there's the idea of the after-life in which all of our lives will be reviewed. But frankly, I can't live years and decades of life, and see my friends and family do the same, without knowing of complete certainty that each moment meant something. I won't rely on faith in something to do that for me. 

  LOL! So finally, here's my short journal

June 9 (Sunday)

  In about 20 minutes I'll leave the house to go for my driving lessons. I'm almost done, after which I'll need to take the 100 question test (that I've done almost no studying for yet). Day to day life is still so full of hustle and bustle. Weeks fly by. I manage to squeeze in a recreational activity here and a fun thing there, but not without a relapse the next day. 

  Ever since taking on the mantle of the family life, work has taken precedence over almost everything, even things of value. It would seem that more often than not good things take second place; put into the schedule on the weekends when there isn't work. 

  I still work 5 days a week, and have managed to maintain a Saturday and Sunday holiday pattern to spend with my family. Although, for the past 4 months I've been attending driving school on my days off. I would've started working a 6th day for a friend, but it didn't work out. Half glad it didn't. But with a 3rd child on the way, a 6-day work week is a given on the horizon. I just need to get my license first. 

  And our boys are getting so BIG! 

Life Phases

Relationship Update

  June 1st: Photo's of different phases of our lives together. I might be painting the picture to look like we've been together for decades, but really it's only been under 4 years. If I choose to view my life from a stand-point of a decade though, I still have 6 years to go in this new and exciting chapter of my life. So it's kinda' cool to look at it that way--the big spectrum. 

  Exciting, yes. But LONG, really long. Everything takes time. We have a happy relationship, with our 1st child together on the way, but something that I want to get at in this post is our FUTURE happiness as a family. It's obvious that it will depend on a lot of things. We've defeated the monsters of level 1, but now that we're on level 2 it'll be a lot more challenging so to speak. 

  Practically speaking, I will need to focus more on my ability to perform in society at large. I will need to determine a solid line of work that will support a bigger house and higher standard of living. I am not content to settle down at level 2. 

  If good fortune will have it I will have my license in less than 2 months, from which time I plan to do some honest career-digging. My goal at this point is to land a good paying and reasonably enjoyable job before I hit 30. 

  How does this tie into our relationship? We have plenty of friends, community, focus on family and good morals. Perhaps it's time we start spreading the love more into the society at large. I want to prove to my Japanese peers, and mainly to myself, that I can enjoy a career in Japan. I want to show society that I can do everything they're doing but still be myself (To be honest, I'm doubtful that this is even possible, but for my own sanity's sake, I refuse to believe that it's not).

  In changing gears like this, it'll change the face of our relationship and family for sure. But in the long run it'll help us to live an even more balanced life. 

My Ramblings

  The struggles of life and having to live the consequences of past decisions made...

Happy Valentines!

You are like the tiger lily--wild, unique, beautiful, and can grow anywhere. Happy Valentines! And thank you for the big box of chocolates. 

Yay! We are officially EXPECTING!

 

  Congratulations, babe! We are officially expecting a child.

  When at the end of the month, I noticed that you were a little more tired, slightly more edgy, more hungry, and desiring certain crunchy foods, I began wondering if you were pregnant. You were doing tiny things out of the ordinary that made me more and more sure.

  Then you missed what normally comes every month, and the prospect became almost 100% for us. We began making plans, talking about the what-ifs, how a new child in this world would change our lives.

  A few days later you took the test that proved 99% accurate, and sure enough two lines showed. I have to be honest and say that I wasn't full of smiles and excitement, and regretfully so. I wish that I had expressed more positive emotion instead of ones mixed and self-centered.

  I thought of our honeymoon that we would have to forego, that ever since the day I decided I wanted to marry you I spent years of mental energy trying to plan; trying to make it perfect. "If the baby would wait just 2 more months," I thought. I day-dreamed that, as we walked out of Narita airport after a restful and memorable honeymoon, you would suddenly feel nauseous and pregnant. THEN I'd be ready!!

  But alas, we aren't the ones who choose when the baby comes. And as much as I like to be the lord of my fate (and yours too sometimes) I'm not. I've already learned that.

  Don't get me wrong, despite all the hardship it entails, I REALLY want a baby. As far as I see it, it's what would seal our relationship and give it its last bit of richness and completeness that it needs. To the contrary, I don't even want to imagine how our relationship would be if you were not able to have one. I fear that Kenji and Deryk would not be able to fully accept each other as brothers otherwise.

  So putting practical and realistic thoughts aside, I want you to know that above and beyond all these nervous and uncertain thoughts is a happiness unspeakable and an excitement that I cannot begin to express. The life that grows within you is a big part of a dream-come-true of the perfect life that I had before given up hope attaining. Throughout the years, being with you, is bringing to reality a fairy tale that I dare not close my eyes to for fear that it would pass as a dream.

  Again, words prove insufficient and cruelly lack to tell you what goes on in my complicated head. But suffice it to say, no matter what I tell you or how burdened I am, you are the BEST THING that has happened in my life. And I want you to know more than anything RIGHT NOW that I am so happy we are expecting. I'm praying that we can keep it, and that I can be the support you need.

I love you

Knowing Exactly

I simply need to know exactly where I'm going with my life, constantly. All along the way, I need to stop and think; I need to evaluate if what I'm doing is what I want to be doing, if it's helping me reach the goals I've set with you.

Because though there is much happiness in our lives, I am not content for things to stay as they are. I know that if we don't keep changing things, even if only a little at a time, it'll become stale, and the day will come that we won't be happy anymore. 

We have many lacks as well. I think we're both aware of them without me having to mention them. But despite those lacks and academic handicaps, if I know that what I'm doing is what I want to be doing and what you want, then nobody can tear that down no matter what they say. 

People are slow to compliment, but quick to judge and give advice. Like in that picture above, even when I'm tired and the road is tough, if I know where I'm going, I can have all the strength it takes to get there. 

A goal for 2013

  One of my goals for 2013 is to communicate with you more, which translates into more honesty and openness--for you and for me. I'll focus on myself and what I can do. It's not that I haven't been honest with you, but perhaps at times there have been hesitations in openness and indirect honesty to avoid certain confrontations.
  Understandably so...
  There was a phase in our relationship not too long ago that there were some serious walls in our communication. Every disagreement would end in one or both of us clamming up. There was no agreeing to disagree or finding happy mediums, it was just one headache after another. And every time the same topic came up it would end the same, with no conclusion.
  I think we're doing better now. There's less friction between us. Little by little I feel that we're successfully building our relationship. Whoever thought that the day of the wedding ceremony and two people's declaration to the world of their union is the peak of their relationship is sadly mistaken. It is just the beginning.

  (June 1st Update: We can actually argue now without either of us clamming up. I can't remember the last time one of us rolled over and fell asleep angry. Also, we argue, but they are never long-lasting. We seem to be able to settle the disagreement and move on. We even sometimes argue in front of close friends and family. I think that our communication as improved a lot since I posted the above) 

Friends

  I'm thinking about my friends again, my childhood and teen friends who I still personally fancy and want to keep in touch with, who themselves say that they have no better friend to talk to some times, yet who just never seem to keep in touch. We are all a great deal older, and we tend to try to solve matters on our own. And then busyness knocks out the remaining bit of possibility.
  Perhaps it comes also with being happily married and having found my place in life. Fate has a way of honoring some, while leaving others hanging. And while I am far from the most successful in the world in every sense, I can say that I am successful in finding happiness and a place of belonging. For the time being, my wife and I, and my kids, are happy. (Disclaimer: It's the truth, but I don't shove it in people's faces, because I know that while I have worked hard for it, happiness can be fleeting and extremely elusive)  For which reason I may not be the most approachable of people for my friends who are struggling. As one of them puts it, "It means the world to me to know that you seem happy and that you have found your place. I may never find mine, but I'd be ruthless to take from yours."
  And yet from time to time in a not so busy month of work I worry about them.
  

2011-2013

  2013 marks 2 years since moving out on our own--out from the comforts of a communal lifestyle, out of the safety net of Christian faith and a church, and most of all, out of the nest in which we had spent our whole lives.
  On one hand, it was an unspoken failure, a taboo, that crippled us. On the other, it was a new start, a challenge, an opportunity to start from scratch in the world that is reality for the rest of the billions out here; a new beginning in the REAL world.
  For me, my number one goal from the start was to become "normal," in the sense of accepted and approachable. Though I will always be a little different, I wanted to be able to speak on the level of other people--to know my identity as a Japanese 26 year old, to know how to interact with those younger than me, my peers, and those older; though an individual, to be one among the masses; walking and talking like everyone.
  More important than money, I wanted to cover my bases, all the while still being a good father and husband, and being real to friends and family. While I can't be sure that I'm hitting the target in everything, I feel that I have been moving ahead and have been making substantial progress in many areas.
  A time will come that I will need to focus more on making money, because the world is all about money. But until then I want to make certain that what is most important, my foundation as a Japanese, is as strong as I can make it.

A little bit of romance rekindled

I love you babe

Cmas and NY Wipe Out

  I haven't felt this way in a damn LONG time--like curling up in bed, watching a TV series, and blogging for hours and hours. I can't remember the last time I did this. Suddenly at the beginning of the New Year I feel like ignoring the world, throwing down all false fronts, doing only what I selfishly feel like doing, alone--completely alone--eating junk food in front of a screen like a depressed woman.

  Forgive me, I'm just mentally wiped out from the busy Christmas and New Year season. Friends, family, kids, long work hours, late nights, partying, celebrating--all shoved into a week of hustle and bustle. I'll get over it with a little rest and solitude.