January 28
This journey will never be perfect, will never give me endless relaxation, will never be that perpetual vacation spoken of by optimists, and will never grant me the one deepest wish--at least, not in the way that I want.
What is my one deepest wish. If one day I awoke to a new world--if everything was new and fresh and unknown--and the only two things I had were the mind I had before and a million dollars, what would I do and where would I go?
The truth is, I would probably spend one day on a solitaire beach pondering, the next day setting out to travel the world to visit the sights and sounds I always wanted to, but after that I would miss the life I had before and would try to go back but wouldn't be able to.
That, my friend, would be the saddest turning point of my life. Starting from scratch means starting afresh and anew, and will rid me of the un-pleasantries, but also of the things that mattered most.
Having said that, my one deepest wish is to keep what I have and to have time to enjoy it.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Friday, January 16, 2015
25. Journal
January 16, 2015
That's me now--married, three kids, a career--sailing on calm seas. I have too much to lose to be young and stupid. I absolutely need a plan, or else I am guaranteed to see bad repercussions. For which reason, every day is not woken up to with an invigorated sense of ambition. Rather, I have fear of losing that which I have.
Gone are the days of carefree madness, when every day was lived without fear of losing, because I had nothing of worth to lose.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
24. Journal
January 10
It's a funny feeling attaining to everything I've dreamed and wanted, and seeing my wildest imagination within arms' reach. I've aimed high and have reached it; aimed yet higher and succeeded to reach it again. I find that I'm going from goal to goal; I'm not sure how much more I want to aim for.
Life is hard both when it's easy and when it's hard. Low hurdles mean less challenge and more monotony. Higher hurdles mean more challenge but invigorating.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
23. Journal
January 4, 2015
Wow! That was an awesome vacation. Setting mixed feelings and complex emotions aside, I feel great on this Sunday afternoon. It's 2 o' clock on the busiest day of the week if all was normal. And today, as I sit at the perfectly square table on the 1st floor of my house, I'm enjoying the heat of the sun shining through the south window of my home.
"We are all victims of our minds; some of us more than others"--my original.
Some people can find peace in confusion--I can't. As a type A, I find peace in order and control. If there's lack of organization, I can neither find peace nor relaxation.
I'm starting work again tomorrow.
Wow! That was an awesome vacation. Setting mixed feelings and complex emotions aside, I feel great on this Sunday afternoon. It's 2 o' clock on the busiest day of the week if all was normal. And today, as I sit at the perfectly square table on the 1st floor of my house, I'm enjoying the heat of the sun shining through the south window of my home.
"We are all victims of our minds; some of us more than others"--my original.
Some people can find peace in confusion--I can't. As a type A, I find peace in order and control. If there's lack of organization, I can neither find peace nor relaxation.
I'm starting work again tomorrow.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
22. Journal
January 3, 2015
In continuation of the journal before this one, I have contemplated suggesting to my family the idea of moving away, far away--away from the city and from everything we know--for two reasons.
1. To start anew.
2. To live a simple life.
The reason I haven't suggested it is because I don't think my wife would ever be happy. And I can't say that I would be either.
My conclusion in this journal is that if I am climbing a mountain, I have to hold on and continue the climb no matter how hard it gets. Scaling back down and climbing a different mountain is premature if I haven't yet reached the peak of the one I'm on. I gotta see where this one'll take me.
It's tough. I'm unsure. I would rather that things be more clear-cut. It's difficult when I have to stick to my guns, when I can't be free to be random and spontaneous. I feel like I always need a plan and a back-up plan. It's how I got to where I am. And I know that it's because of my consistent planning that I've gotten as far as I have today.
I'm convinced that if I had been freer and more spontaneous that I'd be much further behind. I can see one of several scenarios--still with my parents, still with the TFI group, still dependent on share-housing.
Thankfully, I'm independent of all those things.
In continuation of the journal before this one, I have contemplated suggesting to my family the idea of moving away, far away--away from the city and from everything we know--for two reasons.
1. To start anew.
2. To live a simple life.
The reason I haven't suggested it is because I don't think my wife would ever be happy. And I can't say that I would be either.
My conclusion in this journal is that if I am climbing a mountain, I have to hold on and continue the climb no matter how hard it gets. Scaling back down and climbing a different mountain is premature if I haven't yet reached the peak of the one I'm on. I gotta see where this one'll take me.
It's tough. I'm unsure. I would rather that things be more clear-cut. It's difficult when I have to stick to my guns, when I can't be free to be random and spontaneous. I feel like I always need a plan and a back-up plan. It's how I got to where I am. And I know that it's because of my consistent planning that I've gotten as far as I have today.
I'm convinced that if I had been freer and more spontaneous that I'd be much further behind. I can see one of several scenarios--still with my parents, still with the TFI group, still dependent on share-housing.
Thankfully, I'm independent of all those things.
21. Happy New Year
January 3, 2015
As I stand at the beginning of this new year, I face what I'm tempted to conceive as an insurmountable mountain of challenges. The best way I can describe how I feel is mixed emotions. I feel this way when I'm about to start something that has equal possibility of succeeding or failing.
I feel uncertain, responsible, and incompetent--all fearful emotions, I figure. I think a lot--for which reason I'm afraid a lot. Often all I can think about are "what ifs," and I need to stop.
Every day I put a huge weight on my shoulders, one directly stemming from my bigoted sense of responsibility. I have 3 kids and wife who consistently acts stronger than she appears, and who constantly gives of herself to her own hurt. It's my highly inflated sense of responsibility that stresses me out.
I'm not aware of how much bondage I put myself in on a daily basis. I seek for freedom in everything. I look for that thing that will take me out of my proverbial chains. The ironic thing is that, like I said, I'm not aware of my own bondage. The kid inside me is suffocating and fires up ideas of possible relief--a cruise through the panama canal, a trip to Switzerland, or successful entrepreneurship--but are fired down by my realist personality that says that I am one in a billion.
My conclusion in this journal comes down to my beliefs. In all my research into successful and unsuccessful people, heroes and villains, I conclude that there is a formula to overall success, but not necessarily to successes which are specific.
The frustrating thing about overall success is that it isn't that difficult to attain, but very difficult to keep. It seems also that overall success is often destroyed by the pursuit of more specific successes.
Correct me if I'm wrong, overall success can be defined as continual positive progress in family, friendships, relationships, happiness, and finances. Having the idea, for example, that making $100 million dollars is success, but would in most cases hurt relationships, family, and happiness in the pursuit of it.
My point is, we all have our own ideas of what success is, but ultimately, if we're happy we don't think about what success means. Ignorance is bliss. The less we know the less we compare. Knowledge doesn't need to take away our simple happiness.
As I stand at the beginning of this new year, I face what I'm tempted to conceive as an insurmountable mountain of challenges. The best way I can describe how I feel is mixed emotions. I feel this way when I'm about to start something that has equal possibility of succeeding or failing.
I feel uncertain, responsible, and incompetent--all fearful emotions, I figure. I think a lot--for which reason I'm afraid a lot. Often all I can think about are "what ifs," and I need to stop.
Every day I put a huge weight on my shoulders, one directly stemming from my bigoted sense of responsibility. I have 3 kids and wife who consistently acts stronger than she appears, and who constantly gives of herself to her own hurt. It's my highly inflated sense of responsibility that stresses me out.
I'm not aware of how much bondage I put myself in on a daily basis. I seek for freedom in everything. I look for that thing that will take me out of my proverbial chains. The ironic thing is that, like I said, I'm not aware of my own bondage. The kid inside me is suffocating and fires up ideas of possible relief--a cruise through the panama canal, a trip to Switzerland, or successful entrepreneurship--but are fired down by my realist personality that says that I am one in a billion.
My conclusion in this journal comes down to my beliefs. In all my research into successful and unsuccessful people, heroes and villains, I conclude that there is a formula to overall success, but not necessarily to successes which are specific.
The frustrating thing about overall success is that it isn't that difficult to attain, but very difficult to keep. It seems also that overall success is often destroyed by the pursuit of more specific successes.
Correct me if I'm wrong, overall success can be defined as continual positive progress in family, friendships, relationships, happiness, and finances. Having the idea, for example, that making $100 million dollars is success, but would in most cases hurt relationships, family, and happiness in the pursuit of it.
My point is, we all have our own ideas of what success is, but ultimately, if we're happy we don't think about what success means. Ignorance is bliss. The less we know the less we compare. Knowledge doesn't need to take away our simple happiness.
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