15. Journal

  

August 30

  I want to live this life like I will never be given another; I want to live each moment like it will never come again. I want to live like I did when I was a teenager--carefree and wild; at times insanely stupid and careless; dumb and unashamed. 

  I don't want to give a fuck about the rest of the world. I don't want to live as if the world is watching. From the moment I wake up I am not my self. I will lie to the world and tell them that I am a free man, because compared to them I am. But my reality tells me that I'm a long way from home. I know that I am not entirely free. 

The first thing I do when I wake
  The first thing I do when I crawl out of bed is reach for the coffee-maker. I fumble about the kitchen to gather my lunch for the day, while sipping a cup of black coffee, only to hear the sound of my crying baby and a tired wife. I rescue her from our baby's active let's-discover-the-world-in-one-day behavior as he nearly throws himself off the elevated bed fearless. 

  I shave my growing beard, chat with my other two sons who, if they had their way would be watching TV and playing games from the moment they awoke, then I throw on my work clothes for the day, and pack my bag. I'm lucky if I remember to take breakfast to eat on the go. 

  My drive to work is something else--a mad rush. Sometimes I can't believe I managed to agree to this location. The everyday drive there and back is a series of back-roads and short-cuts--a different road almost every time depending on the flow of traffic. Boy, I've become a machine driving these roads. People think I'm in a constant hurry seeing me on the road.

  Truth be told, I'm in the rat race--the very place I was taught to avoid whilst growing up. So again, while I know I am a lot better off than most people in my circumstances, I feel that I am limiting myself because of all the rules that I've allowed myself to believe I should keep.

My best friend and me
  It is definitely easier to smile and let the world think that all is well, then to concern them with the complexity of your own life. The only person I feel I can talk my heart out to lives across the globe. It would be a dream-come-true and an exhilarating psychological release if I could time travel 10 years back to when we had all the time in the world, just my best friend and me.
  

14. Journal

August 23, 2014

  It's difficult to relax, to feel peace, and to not think about care even in the mountainous location of Tateyama. I'm always surrounded by wonderful but crazy people. I never imagined the day would come, but all my friends are crazy.
  It's a constantly exciting life that I live, though. I don't think I could ever be content with anything less than what I feel is the best after experiencing such raw influence by some of the freest and happiest people in the world.

13. Journal

August 18, 2014
  Once a year, Fay goes away for about a week to cook for about 100 people at a summer kids camp. During that time I continue work and arrive home to an empty house--about the only time I get a taste of single life.
  Either way, time flies, and the week goes by and I hardly flinch. I have just enough time when I get home from work to cook myself a decent meal, prepare my lunch for the next day, clean myself, and relax a little before I hit the hay.
  Thankfully, this robotic routine doesn't last for very long. I realize how thankful I am for Fay when I see how mechanical I can be. Fay is a raw piece of nature, perfect as my life-partner.

12. Journal

August 15' 2014

  I feel like I'm getting older. I'm more decisive, more confident, and more steady than I've ever been. I know myself, I know other people, and I know life.

  I look in the mirror, and the thing that's different now than back a year or two ago, is that I see a grown man who knows his place, his ability, his talent, his mission, and his purpose in life and in living. I see a man who is becoming tired of making the same mistakes over and over; a man who no longer fights against the odds and who has settled into the circumstances of fate.

  Stability, is what the rest of the world calls it.

  But is this what I want? It's dawning on me that I'm getting everything I want, but as I get it the desire disappears. It's replaced with another desire, then another. In the back of my mind I still wonder if I shouldn't be doing something better with my time, if I shouldn't be settling with the valuable things in my life--my family, my job, my house.

  I guess, the troubling thing for me is feeling that I'm not just here to live a good life. I feel strongly that my life is not worth a 5 day a week job, some time with my family, with friends, and cruising from one day to the next. I need something more than that.