Happy 9th Anniversary!!

October 16th, 2017

Happy 9th Anniversary!!
This past year has been an exhausting one. I won't deny the hardships and struggles we've gone through. I won't pretend that it's been easy. And I won't lie about feeling at times like throwing in the towel.
It's difficult to get out of bed some mornings. Sometimes there is nothing that we want more but to press pause on our lives. Like in this photo:

Behind our smiles is often a mental, emotional, and physical fatigue that only a parent of 3 opinionated and energetic boys can maybe understand. It's a forced endeavour to get a photo like this; no longer an emotional moment that is raw and spontaneous.
Perhaps, though, we have somehow managed to maintain some of our youthful tendencies. Going to Okinawa with our family for 6 days is often reserved for the wealthy. Vacationing for 9 days to Bali while we leave the care of our 3 kids to our grandparents in the same year is unheard of.
I know that we're doing something right.

So, on this special day I want to say thank you for being my partner and companion. I am honored to be by your side these many years, and I hope that we can continue to keep this great thing going. I will do my best to be the man that you need. And I will do everything in my power to accept what cannot be changed, and to have the wisdom to know the difference.

I love you.

35. Journal

And so the journey continues... The days keep passing and do not wait for the weak, uncertain, and poor. Whether he likes it or not, opportunities come and go. Nature is neutral. It will not step in to save the man who has fallen. He must get back up on his feet himself and keep walking no matter how swollen his ankles and bruised his knees.

If there are 10 people in a big cell. One has food. One has water. One has wood. One has entertainment. One has knowledge. And the other five have 20 bucks each. All ten will find value in food, water, wood, and entertainment. But only one will find value in knowledge, so in the end, one will end up with most of the 100 bucks and most of the resources.

Nature is not neutral, but the man with resources and the knowledge on how to use them will have the 80%, while the other nine men will be left to share the 20%.

34. Journal

It's 6:45 am. We got a bunch of bad reports about our 2nd son yesterday, and it was exhausting talking with him about much the same things I've talked with him a dozen times about -- each time a different angle, a different analogy.

Most guys run from fights,

because they don't want the answer to the inevitable question

that every man whispers to himself

"Am I one of the weak, or

am I one of the strong?" -- Kingdom / Navy St.

A bit over-dramatic, I know, but without ingredients like pride and sense of glory the man is weak, whether or not he thinks it. 

Being a loyal family man weakens me like nothing else. It's one of the least glorious of obligations, and comes with much challenge. 

I see other husbands going off to the beach on the weekend for surfing, or to the countryside for hunting, out drinking with their pals on a weekday, and operating their own business -- typical, really. Their marriages are broken, businesses in the red, and their kids hardly able to see them. Neighbors and acquaintances gossip about them. The juicy stories of affairs and breakups circulate widely, until even the kids know about them. All of this would be depressing if it wasn't so commonplace. 

I'm at a lonely place making the daily decision to be successful in my career, marriage, and family -- focusing on the three things that matter the most to me. Everyone knows that it's the good thing to do, but those good things are boring to most ambitious people. There's no pride or glory in that. And I'll repeat myself, no pride or glory makes a man weak.

At the heart of every man is the need to be believed in. It's not so much the pride and glory as the unshaken surety that people believe in him that matters. 

33. Journal

Here's a proper rant, after months of ship-shod handwritten representations of my morbid thoughts -- I think I have my head screwed on straight now. It's a long time coming. Winter's long over. Hell; spring's about over, and summer's peaking its sweaty face in my doorway like a repeated felon that commits the same crime every year.

My thoughts are a deep pool. I see into situations like no one else, and I know people's inner thoughts more than I ever gave myself credit for. But lately, I've been a fuck. In caring too much for the people and circumstances around me, I've been losing myself. The pursuit of money has been alluring the Jesus out of me, and I've just been going mad.

It's true, the whole rat race train of thought. It's so true of my life at times, that I can't help but desperately want a way out. Those intense feelings of escaping make me want to take extreme action sometimes, it's scary. Of course, I catch myself (thanks to my sense of self-worth and responsibility to my family).

I listen to famous entrepreneurs and self-made millionaires, but a lot of the stuff I stumble onto is crap. I'm still learning how to see the two apart -- treasure from shit. But man, a lot of that stuff can mess you up. Thankfully, not once in my life have I fallen for a scam, but I'd be lying if I said that I was never tempted to.

There's a bit of clear blue sky in my thoughts right now. I'm thinking clearly without alcohol for the first time in a while. All these words are from a clean mind, dumping out the last shards of broken glass from a violent imagination.

I've made a few conclusions about money in my earnest journey to become financially free. Conclusion one is: I acknowledge the absolute need for it. I need a great deal of it just to live. Conclusion two is: I actually don't need as much as my idealistic mind would have me believe. And conclusion three; the final conclusion is: I'll live the rest of my life going back and forth between the first two.

I'm at a loss for words now. Most talk about making money is endless. Thus, we all want swift solutions to our dilemmas. At the end of the day, even in my bleakest thoughts, I need to remind myself that nothing in life is worth torturing myself over.

On an ending note, as frustrating as it is to commit to things that never seem to give me the jackpot, it is impossible to know. I have to follow the path. Whatever that feels right with the information I have is a better choice taken than procrastinated.

32. Journal

I guess I have to accept most of the fundamentals about you, that in our practical lives I often forget. In our relationship, I'm the face, the breadwinner, the brains, the accountant, the communicator, the planner, and a lot of other things that pertain to the morale and richness of our lives. You're the practically talented one when it comes to maintaining our lives. You're great at cooking, sewing, repairing, organizing, and doing all of the millions of nitty-gritty physical necessities around the house that having a family of 5 brings.
Thank you for that.
I know that, in my earnest pursuit for the better and best, I sometimes ask you to stretch yourself and be more. I put the same expectations on you that I do for myself, but I realize I shouldn't. I can be hard on myself, but I should be gentle with you.
I'm sorry if I've expected too much of you at times; if I've given you the impression that I'm not content or happy with you; or if I've made you not feel like the amazing woman that you are. I'm sorry. I want to remind you on this special day that you are nothing short of the most amazing woman that I've ever met.
Thank you for being my wife, and for putting up with my over-glorified and often outrageous hopes and ideas for our future. Thank you for being my anchor that keeps my feet planted on the earth and for trying to understand my unorthodox thinking.

I love you, my wifey!

31. Journal

  7 years have gone by since we first met. The little one that requires our attention 24/7, who drools on the keyboard as I type, who literally is strangling me and pulling on my glasses as I do this, is the glue that has brought us together as a family.

  The first year or two, before the little one came, and while the two older boys were yet small, they adored and enjoyed playing with each other. But now they're at each other's throats all the time, complaining about unfairness, and wishing that they could be separated. So ironic.

 

30. Journal

  The journey's been good. I've been keeping it simple. Trying my darnedest to stay away from tormenting thoughts. I've been successful. How? I've been keeping myself busy. Work. Family. TV series. The truth is too hard to face.
  What's the truth, you ask me? The truth is that my heart has been burned, and I haven't found it in me to fully love since. I've been deceived, and will not be able to easily trust again. It's exactly what she said, I'm experiencing trauma.
  She's been through a hellava' lot more than I have. Her parents divorced when she was 5, and she was sent to live with her grandparents until 10. The love of her life died in a car accident when she was 16. She felt obligated into marriage after becoming impregnated, and if that wasn't enough, her husband was a beater. She sought for divorce multiple times, and finally got one, But after 4 years she remarried the same guy out of loneliness and guilt, and is now filing for divorce again.
  When she first introduced herself, as far as it concerned me, she was a happily married woman, who came to learn English hoping to make regular visits to her daughter who lived in San Diego. She had a successful business in Tokyo, a beautiful house with her husband in Chiba, and a gorgeous flat in Ginza. It wasn't long before I learned about her troubled life.
  The facades of people can be so deceiving. The same goes for me.
  I can't keep lying, neither to myself or to others, especially not to my wife. Not short of a year ago, I told my wife that we need new friends. I meant it. I've tossed around a lot of ideas, but the one that's stuck with me is the one that my wife and I need to build a life. Any gypsy or druggie can live life on the edge experiencing raw freedom, especially while they're single. But as with any civilization, it needs to be built.
  I've concluded that I will not let anything or anyone stand in the way of us building our lives. In order for this to happen, we need stability and the smarts. I understand that you need to maintain your sanity. Your family and friends mean the world to you, and I want it to stay that way. I want you to be happy more than anything. But I also know at the same time that I need to do what's best overall.
  You live in the moment, and things in the moment affect you more than the past or future. I'm the opposite. If my mind isn't in the past, it's in the future, planning--always planning.
  You say that I don't have many friends. If I wanted to make friends, I could make friends, lots of them. I proved it to myself when I made Chris my best friend, when the truth is, he isn't. I made him my best friend by acting like he was. I can do the same thing to a dozen people. Most people are so fickle though. They're your friends because of circumstances and the things you do for them. I'm just not that kind of guy.
  The truth is, I'm a tormented soul--tormented by my past.

At the beach

29. Journal

  Albert Einstein said, "If I had an hour to solve a problem I'd spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions."

  Thinking is not a curse if guided and cared for. I tell my son when he over-thinks and is in a puddle of tears, that the difference between him and me is that he only thinks about the negative, but I make a conscious effort to think more positive.

  It helps.

28. Journal

March 28, 2015

  I feel that the above is true for the many activities the active human will do to experience thrill and a sense of being alive. I struggle between the incessant desire to feel alive and just being numb to the little irritating details that life can have. It's hard to know when to do which sometimes.

  Whether it's travel, a new relationship or friendship, a change in job or career, the active person needs constant change and improvement to feel the joy of being alive. I am not just an active individual. I need to be active doing something I have a heart for. 

  I have a passion for words and writing indeed, but it runs much deeper than that. Knowing that the average man won't give a hoot for the deep things of life, the description of my passion stops short. The truth is, I have a fascination for the mysteries of life. I hate to be weird about it all, and I will definitely avoid big-eyed psychos and melodramatic scientists with overpowering theories and explanations that leave no space for interpretation. But I am a curious man, and many deep things in life don't make logical sense. Discovering the reasons for those mysteries and being able to explain them in words is my mission.

  God or no God, I have my own religion, and I don't see logical sense in life and the world if there was no God. And if indeed there is a God, I don't buy into the scenario that his hands can be tied by our choices. If they are tied, He chose to tie them, because who else? So despite all the terrible things human beings decide to do, He fuckin' knows about it and has a much bigger plan in mind. 

  

27. Journal

March 13, 2015

  My soul is consumed with overwhelming stress the moment it acknowledges the brutal realities of the world. Reality says that every second there are hundreds of options to choose from; every conscious minute there are dozens of choices better than the one I just chose; and every hour that passes without full awareness is an hour wasted.

  There are a million "shoulds," but a surprisingly minute number of them are realistically possible. I should study Japanese, I should study for a Bachelors (and then perhaps a Masters), I should more earnestly build my career, I should invest in gold, I should make assets and compound, I should save up for my old age, and nine-hundred-ninety-nine thousand more shoulds.

  Instead of compiling my list of shoulds, I will acknowledge that only some of them are what are absolutely essential for me to do.

  Mark Manson says, "Who you are is defined by the values you are willing to struggle for. Our struggles determine our successes. So choose your struggles wisely, my friend." I'm going to ask myself the important question, "What one value am I willing to struggle for?"

  A happy family.

26. Journal

January 28

  This journey will never be perfect, will never give me endless relaxation, will never be that perpetual vacation spoken of by optimists, and will never grant me the one deepest wish--at least, not in the way that I want.

  What is my one deepest wish. If one day I awoke to a new world--if everything was new and fresh and unknown--and the only two things I had were the mind I had before and a million dollars, what would I do and where would I go?

  The truth is, I would probably spend one day on a solitaire beach pondering, the next day setting out to travel the world to visit the sights and sounds I always wanted to, but after that I would miss the life I had before and would try to go back but wouldn't be able to.

  That, my friend, would be the saddest turning point of my life. Starting from scratch means starting afresh and anew, and will rid me of the un-pleasantries, but also of the things that mattered most.

  Having said that, my one deepest wish is to keep what I have and to have time to enjoy it.

25. Journal

January 16, 2015

  That's me now--married, three kids, a career--sailing on calm seas. I have too much to lose to be young and stupid. I absolutely need a plan, or else I am guaranteed to see bad repercussions. For which reason, every day is not woken up to with an invigorated sense of ambition. Rather, I have fear of losing that which I have.

  Gone are the days of carefree madness, when every day was lived without fear of losing, because I had nothing of worth to lose.

24. Journal

January 10

It's a funny feeling attaining to everything I've dreamed and wanted, and seeing my wildest imagination within arms' reach. I've aimed high and have reached it; aimed yet higher and succeeded to reach it again. I find that I'm going from goal to goal; I'm not sure how much more I want to aim for. 

Life is hard both when it's easy and when it's hard. Low hurdles mean less challenge and more monotony. Higher hurdles mean more challenge but invigorating.

23. Journal

January 4, 2015

  Wow! That was an awesome vacation. Setting mixed feelings and complex emotions aside, I feel great on this Sunday afternoon. It's 2 o' clock on the busiest day of the week if all was normal. And today, as I sit at the perfectly square table on the 1st floor of my house, I'm enjoying the heat of the sun shining through the south window of my home.

  "We are all victims of our minds; some of us more than others"--my original.

  Some people can find peace in confusion--I can't. As a type A, I find peace in order and control. If there's lack of organization, I can neither find peace nor relaxation.

  I'm starting work again tomorrow.