11. Journal

July 28, 2014

  It's a strange feeling sitting in a house that once used to have more matter than space now so empty my voice almost echoes. I don't know if I'll miss this part of my life. It feels as if this move is an extension of it, like I'm taking my life a step further.

August 17

  I'm sitting at my desk in my new house at the start of my work week, and I'm thinking deep thoughts again. It's a dangerous place for me to go, I know, but it's in that place that I can see the other side of the fence.

  I'm not looking for greener pastures. I've been so privileged and fortunate in life (some say lucky) and have managed to make good choices, that others are looking at my circumstances like they're greener pastures.

  I need some deep thinking to help me be well aware how blessed I am.

10. Journal

 
  We live in a world with endless opportunities and challenges, that sometimes deep thinkers like me, pause for too long to make sense of it all, that we miss it altogether.

  Reality is, I'm a person driving one of those cars among millions, a person in one of those buildings seen in the distance with little flickering lights. I'm a struggling soul among billions led by his instincts of survival seeking for the best life. It'd be naive of me to think that I am above the power of circumstances.

  Though I live the richest of lives, with family and friends, and a job that brings fulfillment and satisfaction, it's like a wise man once said, "happiness is a state of being." I know that the reason I am happy is because I choose to be happy, and because I am happy I am motivated and driven. I work hard because I am happy; not the other way around.

 

9. Journal

July 5'2014
  Every time I write a journal it helps to write as if no one will read it until decades later. I find that it's hard to be completely honest if someone is watching.

  Here, on this page, I can be honest. This is where I shut out the world and all its noise, and write as if I'm the only one alive. Suddenly, no one else matters, and nothing else matters more than this moment.

  As much of a naturally selfish human being I know that I am, here on this page is the only time that I think solely about myself and what I need. When I drown out the sound of cars, and wind, and whispering with Celtic music to write, I think about nothing else but me.

  I understand the popularity of deep meditation. Just being alive is a struggle. We emerge from our mother's wombs crying and in shock. Our bodies are heavy, and one place or another aches or hurts. But then we become used to it, and we face bigger struggles, only to become numb to that too. The cycle is ongoing until life's end.

  Deep meditation frees us from heaviness even if just for a moment. It gives us a taste of heaven, so to speak, and it's a substitute for drugs and other harmful relievers.

  Getting out of bed and being sociable is being selfless. Wearing decent clothes and going outside is selfless. Working for a living with a smile on your face is selfless. Choosing to raise a family to the best of your ability is selfless.

  Sometimes I just need a damn break. Like right now. I can't hear a sound in the world other than beautiful Celtic music. I can't feel anything other than the soft keys beneath my fingers giving way to put words into this eternal page.

  For a few moments, I am at total peace, and I feel like my mind can finally rest. I'm thinking about nothing else but myself. Just for a few moments.

  I'm so tired, beyond what I realize. I only now see how long I've been going without rest, always alert, always listening, always searching for the best opportunities, always thinking. There's been so much input and output, but so little rest. I'm exhausted.