My Ramblings

  The struggles of life and having to live the consequences of past decisions made...

Happy Valentines!

You are like the tiger lily--wild, unique, beautiful, and can grow anywhere. Happy Valentines! And thank you for the big box of chocolates. 

Yay! We are officially EXPECTING!

 

  Congratulations, babe! We are officially expecting a child.

  When at the end of the month, I noticed that you were a little more tired, slightly more edgy, more hungry, and desiring certain crunchy foods, I began wondering if you were pregnant. You were doing tiny things out of the ordinary that made me more and more sure.

  Then you missed what normally comes every month, and the prospect became almost 100% for us. We began making plans, talking about the what-ifs, how a new child in this world would change our lives.

  A few days later you took the test that proved 99% accurate, and sure enough two lines showed. I have to be honest and say that I wasn't full of smiles and excitement, and regretfully so. I wish that I had expressed more positive emotion instead of ones mixed and self-centered.

  I thought of our honeymoon that we would have to forego, that ever since the day I decided I wanted to marry you I spent years of mental energy trying to plan; trying to make it perfect. "If the baby would wait just 2 more months," I thought. I day-dreamed that, as we walked out of Narita airport after a restful and memorable honeymoon, you would suddenly feel nauseous and pregnant. THEN I'd be ready!!

  But alas, we aren't the ones who choose when the baby comes. And as much as I like to be the lord of my fate (and yours too sometimes) I'm not. I've already learned that.

  Don't get me wrong, despite all the hardship it entails, I REALLY want a baby. As far as I see it, it's what would seal our relationship and give it its last bit of richness and completeness that it needs. To the contrary, I don't even want to imagine how our relationship would be if you were not able to have one. I fear that Kenji and Deryk would not be able to fully accept each other as brothers otherwise.

  So putting practical and realistic thoughts aside, I want you to know that above and beyond all these nervous and uncertain thoughts is a happiness unspeakable and an excitement that I cannot begin to express. The life that grows within you is a big part of a dream-come-true of the perfect life that I had before given up hope attaining. Throughout the years, being with you, is bringing to reality a fairy tale that I dare not close my eyes to for fear that it would pass as a dream.

  Again, words prove insufficient and cruelly lack to tell you what goes on in my complicated head. But suffice it to say, no matter what I tell you or how burdened I am, you are the BEST THING that has happened in my life. And I want you to know more than anything RIGHT NOW that I am so happy we are expecting. I'm praying that we can keep it, and that I can be the support you need.

I love you

Knowing Exactly

I simply need to know exactly where I'm going with my life, constantly. All along the way, I need to stop and think; I need to evaluate if what I'm doing is what I want to be doing, if it's helping me reach the goals I've set with you.

Because though there is much happiness in our lives, I am not content for things to stay as they are. I know that if we don't keep changing things, even if only a little at a time, it'll become stale, and the day will come that we won't be happy anymore. 

We have many lacks as well. I think we're both aware of them without me having to mention them. But despite those lacks and academic handicaps, if I know that what I'm doing is what I want to be doing and what you want, then nobody can tear that down no matter what they say. 

People are slow to compliment, but quick to judge and give advice. Like in that picture above, even when I'm tired and the road is tough, if I know where I'm going, I can have all the strength it takes to get there.