34. Journal

It's 6:45 am. We got a bunch of bad reports about our 2nd son yesterday, and it was exhausting talking with him about much the same things I've talked with him a dozen times about -- each time a different angle, a different analogy.

Most guys run from fights,

because they don't want the answer to the inevitable question

that every man whispers to himself

"Am I one of the weak, or

am I one of the strong?" -- Kingdom / Navy St.

A bit over-dramatic, I know, but without ingredients like pride and sense of glory the man is weak, whether or not he thinks it. 

Being a loyal family man weakens me like nothing else. It's one of the least glorious of obligations, and comes with much challenge. 

I see other husbands going off to the beach on the weekend for surfing, or to the countryside for hunting, out drinking with their pals on a weekday, and operating their own business -- typical, really. Their marriages are broken, businesses in the red, and their kids hardly able to see them. Neighbors and acquaintances gossip about them. The juicy stories of affairs and breakups circulate widely, until even the kids know about them. All of this would be depressing if it wasn't so commonplace. 

I'm at a lonely place making the daily decision to be successful in my career, marriage, and family -- focusing on the three things that matter the most to me. Everyone knows that it's the good thing to do, but those good things are boring to most ambitious people. There's no pride or glory in that. And I'll repeat myself, no pride or glory makes a man weak.

At the heart of every man is the need to be believed in. It's not so much the pride and glory as the unshaken surety that people believe in him that matters. 

33. Journal

Here's a proper rant, after months of ship-shod handwritten representations of my morbid thoughts -- I think I have my head screwed on straight now. It's a long time coming. Winter's long over. Hell; spring's about over, and summer's peaking its sweaty face in my doorway like a repeated felon that commits the same crime every year.

My thoughts are a deep pool. I see into situations like no one else, and I know people's inner thoughts more than I ever gave myself credit for. But lately, I've been a fuck. In caring too much for the people and circumstances around me, I've been losing myself. The pursuit of money has been alluring the Jesus out of me, and I've just been going mad.

It's true, the whole rat race train of thought. It's so true of my life at times, that I can't help but desperately want a way out. Those intense feelings of escaping make me want to take extreme action sometimes, it's scary. Of course, I catch myself (thanks to my sense of self-worth and responsibility to my family).

I listen to famous entrepreneurs and self-made millionaires, but a lot of the stuff I stumble onto is crap. I'm still learning how to see the two apart -- treasure from shit. But man, a lot of that stuff can mess you up. Thankfully, not once in my life have I fallen for a scam, but I'd be lying if I said that I was never tempted to.

There's a bit of clear blue sky in my thoughts right now. I'm thinking clearly without alcohol for the first time in a while. All these words are from a clean mind, dumping out the last shards of broken glass from a violent imagination.

I've made a few conclusions about money in my earnest journey to become financially free. Conclusion one is: I acknowledge the absolute need for it. I need a great deal of it just to live. Conclusion two is: I actually don't need as much as my idealistic mind would have me believe. And conclusion three; the final conclusion is: I'll live the rest of my life going back and forth between the first two.

I'm at a loss for words now. Most talk about making money is endless. Thus, we all want swift solutions to our dilemmas. At the end of the day, even in my bleakest thoughts, I need to remind myself that nothing in life is worth torturing myself over.

On an ending note, as frustrating as it is to commit to things that never seem to give me the jackpot, it is impossible to know. I have to follow the path. Whatever that feels right with the information I have is a better choice taken than procrastinated.