28. Journal

March 28, 2015

  I feel that the above is true for the many activities the active human will do to experience thrill and a sense of being alive. I struggle between the incessant desire to feel alive and just being numb to the little irritating details that life can have. It's hard to know when to do which sometimes.

  Whether it's travel, a new relationship or friendship, a change in job or career, the active person needs constant change and improvement to feel the joy of being alive. I am not just an active individual. I need to be active doing something I have a heart for. 

  I have a passion for words and writing indeed, but it runs much deeper than that. Knowing that the average man won't give a hoot for the deep things of life, the description of my passion stops short. The truth is, I have a fascination for the mysteries of life. I hate to be weird about it all, and I will definitely avoid big-eyed psychos and melodramatic scientists with overpowering theories and explanations that leave no space for interpretation. But I am a curious man, and many deep things in life don't make logical sense. Discovering the reasons for those mysteries and being able to explain them in words is my mission.

  God or no God, I have my own religion, and I don't see logical sense in life and the world if there was no God. And if indeed there is a God, I don't buy into the scenario that his hands can be tied by our choices. If they are tied, He chose to tie them, because who else? So despite all the terrible things human beings decide to do, He fuckin' knows about it and has a much bigger plan in mind. 

  

27. Journal

March 13, 2015

  My soul is consumed with overwhelming stress the moment it acknowledges the brutal realities of the world. Reality says that every second there are hundreds of options to choose from; every conscious minute there are dozens of choices better than the one I just chose; and every hour that passes without full awareness is an hour wasted.

  There are a million "shoulds," but a surprisingly minute number of them are realistically possible. I should study Japanese, I should study for a Bachelors (and then perhaps a Masters), I should more earnestly build my career, I should invest in gold, I should make assets and compound, I should save up for my old age, and nine-hundred-ninety-nine thousand more shoulds.

  Instead of compiling my list of shoulds, I will acknowledge that only some of them are what are absolutely essential for me to do.

  Mark Manson says, "Who you are is defined by the values you are willing to struggle for. Our struggles determine our successes. So choose your struggles wisely, my friend." I'm going to ask myself the important question, "What one value am I willing to struggle for?"

  A happy family.