Thoughts at the Threshold of the New Year

  I might just be tired, but knowing that we're at the end of this year and at the threshold of another, I sit here wondering if I've been living life like I should.
  Suddenly a million thoughts flood my mind, like a dam broken through. Again, my often calm and controlled exterior masks the real me inside--the ambitious, driven, and passionate me that conceals himself for fear that he'll be unwanted.
  I've done many things already, but I want to do so much more. I want to explore society and the human mind; to discover why people do what they do and why they don't do certain things. But I need a plan, a realistic plan. I'm married and have two children, and while I'm happy, I don't intend for life to stop here. I need time to think.
  I'm a constant thinker, a planner. But in the last couple of weeks I haven't been able to focus, due to busyness of work. It's an essential for me, though. I need to know that I'm making consistent steps towards reaching my goals, otherwise I feel unfulfilled.

Polish Black Oak Whiskey

It's nice to be alone sometimes, to sit in the quietness of the night only to hear the sound of the wind outside--cold chilly wind--grateful for the warmth inside, typing pleasantly in front of the toasty heater, reminiscing days gone by.

My mind has so much to say when I am completely relaxed. Yet total relaxation for me only comes after everything is in place--at the end of a hard weeks work, sleeping children, a satisfied wife, a third cup of coffee, a man's movie, and a few shots of Polish black oak whiskey. 

I can't believe that I've reached a point in my life that months will fly by and I'll be living but not being totally conscious of every second of it. 

The Results of Passing Time

  Monday's through Friday's my days consist of 8-10 hour work shifts. I arrive home some time between 6 and 9p.m. I play with the kids when I can. Then I take a shower and eat while watching a TV series with my wife, usually a crime investigation series. Randomly I fall asleep.

  My alarm wakes me at 6:30a.m. I stumble downstairs and set the coffee maker. I study Japanese and look at the news for 30 minutes until my wife and kids wake up.

  Then we eat breakfast together, while looking at the time to make sure the kids are ready to leave to school by 7:30. A neighbor's daughter will pound on our front door to tell my kids to hurry up. When that doesn't work she'll open the door and start yelling until one of us has to tell her to shut up. Strong personality, but seems to be Deryk's best friend.

  The week flies by. And by the time the weekend comes both days are planned and booked. Those days are filled with bustle activity as well, revolving around kids events, flea markets, and visiting friends.

  Before we know it, two years have gone by since moving here and we're up to signing the next two year contract for our house. Our lives have become routine, but really fun! Finally for the first time in my life I have caught my breath and can make realistic plans for my and my family's future.
  My hopes and dreams are crystal clear, and I know a little bit about how life may proceed from here. As opposed to not having the slightest idea, which is not conducive to productivity.

  Finally, to top it off, I glance at a photo of my best friend and me. Nostalgia flutters in and consumes a minute of my precious time. All in a moment I reminisce on my teen years of mischief and unacceptable behavior, shared with this person that I have called "best friend." Ten years have gone by. 

I am the luckiest man in the world to be married to you. 

4th Anniversary

I don't know what to say but that four years is a damn long time. Much has changed. Much has become better. And entering into the fifth year now makes me feel OLD! lol. Well, I'm only 26, but I feel that next time I realize I'll be 36.

Life for the past 5 years is a series of realistic goals for me. Taking small consistent steps to reach those goals, and when reached, celebrate, and start working toward the next goal. Time flies when you reach those goals. You become so in the routine of knocking off your next goal that you don't realize how years are passing. 

Find a GF... tic. Go on a few elaborate dates... tic. Accept differences... tic. Move in together... tic. Create a budget... tic. Propose... tic. Get legally married... tic. Have a wedding ceremony... tic. 

That's of course apart from real personal goals like, discovering a new me, which I have. Recognizing my dream... which I have half found and am making baby steps to attain. Figuring out my position in life, my place of belonging, and my sense of fulfillment... which I have found. 

The thing is, my journey isn't even half done. 

Our Wedding Ceremony

August 5th' 2012

  Another memorable day; another day to tuck away safely and hold close to our hearts until the end of our days. May we live happily ever after like in the fairy tales, bringing to life the unreal and fanciful but most sought for world of perfect love and romance.

  Let the day of our wedding go on in our memories as the one biggest and best commitment we will make in our lives; that we will hold true to our vows through even the toughest times; that even in the most excruciating of moments we will remember "in death do we part," and that we will never allow love to slip away.

  With the reddest of carpets, the whitest of chairs, altars, & pillars, and the best choice of friends and family, we walked up the virgin aisle and came back down husband and wife, proclaiming to the world that we chose each other--Billions of other men and women shut out and scribbled out on the paper of our options of choice.

Baby, I love you!

Friendship

When I read this, I was reminded of you, babe. You're the best kind of friend anybody could have. 

Happy Mother's Day

  Happy Mother's Day babe. You are the best mother that our two boys could possibly have. You don't put up with their non-sense, neither do you say nothing when they scream. You show by example that working hard is essential, and that putting your heart into what you do brings the results. 
  Our two boys are not angels, but they know all too well that they cannot get away with bad behavior. You would not allow it. You would involve both of us at the slightest tinge of rebelliousness from one of them. 
  I look at you and I know not only that you are the kind of wife that I need, but the mother that our boy's need. 


  I love you. I'm praying that you have a good day

The Vow

  After watching "The Vow," it makes me think about how much we've changed since meeting each other. More-so for me than for you. You have been more or less unchanging in most of your habits, but I realize that I have changed in a lot of ways.
  I find that I have much less patience for your quirks, give much less compliments for your kindness, less thoughtfulness about your needs. It's happening slowly, but I'm becoming the man I once feared; the man I tried not to become--a man of fewer thoughts; a shallower man.
  But maybe I am a better man--one more open and understanding of a wider range of people. Perhaps I have become more approachable; more relatable.
  The reason? I don't know. It's work I guess--being over my head with work and my children and the whole maze of responsibilities. It's breaking me; changing me; making me one among the masses.
  But man, it's been a freaking long time since I've seen a movie that has had this much of an impact on me. Perhaps I have become a man who now shies away from meaningful things. Nowadays I tend to view suspenseful action films, that sincerely have little or no depth. Only times like these when a moral punches in do I realize how far I've (I guess I can say "slid").
  Like I said, it's work, and just simply being around shallow people of skin-deep conversation and advice; people with down-to-earth problems and stupid solutions.
  For crying out loud, it took that movie to realize something--that I haven't been able to sit down and write like I am right now; to put fingers to keys and type what my mind and heart feel. For months, out of habit, I've attempted, but my thoughts have been mumble-jumble, not to speak of my feelings. Completely disorganized.
  This is how people fall out of love; how relationships and marriages grow stale and cold. Small events throughout life cause tension to build up, so slowly that without realizing it over the years you're losing each other. The in-love feelings that you used to feel are forgotten. Work, responsibilities, and duties begin to take precedence over everything.
  And this is not just life. There are people who can manage to live healthy balanced lives and keep perspective on what's important; they don't lose sight of their priorities. There are people who keep life rich and meaningful.
  It has nothing to do with being rich or poor. It's about the heart, and not letting work or money cause you to lose grip over your life; not allowing anything to take away your uniqueness and individuality.

brave; not fearless

  "There is no face more admirable than the one brave in the face of fear; no gushing tears or expressions of fright; just a solitary tear."

  Baby, you are not fearless, though you have done some crazy things, and don't care much for the opinions of men. You are not fearless, but you are brave. And perhaps you do not know, but I have fallen in love with that quality.

Incessant Migraine

  Just when the financial base is secure, something else becomes undone. I feel so helpless with your migraines, baby. There seems to be nothing I can do to make it go away. And the worst thing is that time doesn't stop for us. Life goes on, and your headache doesn't seem to leave you.
  It's the 6th day, and your migraine is just painfully incessant. It's not just a normal migraine either. It has completely incapacitated you. I'm left to think that something big needs to be changed so that this doesn't happen again. If it's a lifestyle change that has to happen then I would like to do that. I hate to see you go through so much pain.

  It must be quite frustrating that even when you take such good care of me, and feed me so well, I get sick because I stupidly over-do. I'm sorry babe. I need to live a more balanced life

  Babe, thank you for all you do for us. You do so much, spoil both me and our boys so much. We are so lucky to have you.

A Better Perspective

  I have done much thinking, much contemplating, much analyzing throughout 2011, border-lining worry and anxiety about our future. But due to our futuristic thinking, preemptive planning, and consistent hard work, none of my worries have come to pass. Or maybe we're just simply so damn lucky.
  You have been a vital balance to me, babe, and have been an example to me of living life to the full, of seeing the most important things in life--people; friends and family.
  Though this new year will bring us more challenges, no doubt bigger ones, I think that we are stronger than the year before and will have the strength to ride over them. I am determined to enter the new year with a better perspective.